Maybe he just doesn't like me

About online dating, rejection and why you don't have to take everything personally

You send someone a message via a dating app. You have looked at his profile, find him interesting and try to come up with a fun, original opening line. You might even get a match. And then… nothing.

No response. No explanation. Not even a simple thank you.

What happened? Is he busy? Is he tired? Has he met someone else? Is he just not that active on the app? Or does he not find you attractive at all?

Maybe the answer is very simple: he just doesn't like you enough to respond.

Ouch. That can sting for a while.

Still, today I want to talk about something that I think many people recognize: the tendency to take rejection in online dating personally. Because why do we actually feel so insecure so quickly when a stranger doesn't respond?

Didn't I do everything right?

When you go online dating, of course you try to make a good impression. You make sure to have nice photos, write a profile text in which you tell something about yourself and send messages that show you are genuinely interested.

You try not to be overly sexual right away, ask questions and show interest in the other person as a person.

That seems like a great starting point to me.

But even if you do everything right, that doesn't mean you automatically get a response. Let alone a date, a fun flirtation or a relationship.

And that is sometimes quite difficult to accept.

We are used to thinking that the right approach leads to the desired result. As if dating is a game where you automatically go to the next level with the right answers.

But people don't work like that.

What one person finds attractive, another person might not like at all. One man loves humor and spontaneity, while another man is drawn to calm and depth. And sometimes someone simply doesn't feel like dating.

That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all

When someone doesn't respond, there could be dozens of reasons.

Maybe he is busy at work. Maybe he has had a bad week. Maybe something is going on in his family. Maybe he just met another woman or has discovered that he is not ready for a new relationship at the moment.

Or maybe he looked at your profile again and discovered that you are not compatible after all.

Any of that could be true.

And yes, maybe he just doesn't find you attractive enough. That is also possible.

But you know what? That doesn't necessarily say anything about your worth, appearance or personality.

You are not less likable because one stranger on a dating app doesn't respond. You are not less attractive because someone else has a different preference. And you don't have to constantly change yourself to be liked by as many people as possible.

Thank goodness.

Not everyone has to like you

I think this might be one of the hardest things to accept: you can be a great person and still not be the person someone else is looking for.

You can be funny, sweet, attractive, intelligent and interesting. You can have an excellent dating profile and send a fantastic first message. And yet, it can still happen that someone doesn't respond.

That applies to both men and women.

Of course, there are differences between the experiences of men and women on dating apps. Some people get many more messages than others, while others struggle to get a conversation going at all.

But ultimately, everyone deals with the same insecurity: you never know exactly what is going on in the other person's head.

And you cannot control that either.

No response is sometimes clarity itself

I actually don't mind at all when someone doesn't respond. Of course, it is nicer when someone simply says honestly that they are not interested. But if someone doesn't say anything at all, you eventually know enough too.

What would you rather have?

Someone who doesn't respond, or someone who reluctantly carries on a conversation with you, barely asks questions and is actually not interested at all?

The latter only costs you time and energy.

When someone shows no enthusiasm, you don't have to endlessly try to get their attention. You don't have to send a second, third or fourth message to prove that you are interesting enough.

Just let it go.

After all, you are looking for someone who likes talking to you, is curious about you and wants to get to know you. Not someone you have to struggle to keep the conversation going with.

Stop constantly judging yourself

The danger of online dating is that you start looking at yourself through the eyes of others without realizing it.

Why don't I get a response? Was my opening line not fun enough? Should I have posted a different photo? Was I too direct? Or too distant?

Before you know it, you are adapting yourself to people you have never met.

That is a waste.

Of course you can always check if your profile can be clearer or more attractive. A good profile text and nice photos help to show who you are. But don't try to become someone else to get more matches.

After all, you want someone to fall for the person you really are?

And if someone doesn't fit that, maybe that is for the best.

Dating is not a job interview

Maybe it helps to take online dating a little less seriously. Not because feelings don't matter, but because you don't have to ask yourself every time whether you have made the cut.

You are not applying for a position as someone's partner whom you have never met.

You are simply checking if there is a connection.

Sometimes it is there immediately. Sometimes a nice conversation develops, but ultimately there is still no attraction. And sometimes it stays at a match without exchanging a single word.

That is part of it.

You don't have to convince everyone. You don't have to understand every rejection. And you certainly don't have to keep hanging on to someone who makes no effort to get to know you.

Maybe he is just not your person

When someone doesn't respond, you can come up with all kinds of explanations. Maybe he is busy, maybe tired, maybe he has met someone else. Or maybe he just doesn't like you enough.

But ultimately, you don't know.

And maybe you don't need to know.

Online dating is personal, but not every rejection is a personal judgment of you. You are a stranger to that other person and you don't know what expectations, preferences or circumstances are at play.

Therefore, it is better to focus on the people who do respond enthusiastically. On the conversations in which you can laugh, are curious about each other and naturally feel like meeting up.

Because that is what you are looking for: someone who wants to get to know you, without you having to play a complicated game first.

And above all, remember: you don't have to be liked by everyone. You only need to find someone with whom it works both ways.

Love,

Simone from Happytoys

Happy rather than Easy!