Erotic humiliation is my thing. And although it is exciting now, it used to be a source of incredible fear and sadness for me. If you can think of something truly embarrassing – something you can never imagine anyone seeing or being exposed to – then I have probably tried it in the bedroom. And as you can imagine, it wasn't something I was proud of or wanted to let the world know about.

It's not exactly easy to turn to your loved one and say, "I ordered a dog bowl from Amazon" or "This might sound contradictory, but I actually want you to call me a faggot." I didn't understand why I was like this – only that it must make me the worst person on earth. Shame is powerful. And when shame begins to affect our self-image, our relationships, and/or our (asexuality), it can take its toll.

When I started looking for a community around kink, I realized that we have all experienced shame or stigma at some point.

So many people told me about the depression, anxiety, isolation, and even despair they felt around their kink – even though it harmed no one and was 100% safe and consensual.

And you know what? I think that’s nonsense.

Kink can be such an exciting and enriching experience! It can create new connections, help us discover parts of ourselves we didn't know existed, and it can simply be sexy. It took me years to accept my kinky side. This is largely because for a long time, there was no one there to confirm to me that it was okay to be kinky.

That is why I find it so important to put stories out into the world that counter all the negative messages about kink. And I'm not just talking about tying someone up (though, if that's your thing, fine!). I’m talking about anyone who ever wanted to hook up with an alien, play a horse, wear a diaper, worship feet, and all those other fun things that people are horrified by.

Whatever your fetish is – no matter how embarrassing or bizarre you think it is – here are six affirmations to keep in mind the next time you feel bad.

1. There is nothing wrong with you

Or in other words: "It’s not you. It’s society." If something is taboo, that doesn't mean it is necessarily wrong or bad in itself. In a culture that demonizes and moralizes asexuality as a whole – especially asexuality outside of monogamous, 'normal' relationships – practically everyone is 'deviant' in one way or another. But that is the baggage of society, not yours. There are so many myths about kink – and they revolve around the incorrect idea that people with a kink are 'broken' or deviant, which is simply not true.

Are you taking care of your safety? Do you get explicit consent? Do you ensure you aren't hurting anyone? Do you communicate openly with your partner(s)? These are the questions that should really matter – and the fact that our culture seems more concerned with what people are doing, rather than how safely and responsibly they are doing it, points to a larger problem with how we view and raise people in this society.

And I don't know about you, but I am constantly preoccupied with these questions, just like most people with a kinky preference I know. That, at the very least, tells me we are doing something right.

2. You are not alone

Not long ago, I was having dinner with one of my best friends. After we started talking, we discovered that we shared the exact same kinks. We had never thought we would ever meet someone in real life who was interested in them, let alone someone who had been into it all this time. And yet, there we were. I never saw it coming. It wasn't just a huge relief – it also brought us much closer together.

This taught me a very important lesson about the assumptions I was making. Namely, that people with a kink only existed in obscure corners of the internet and that I couldn't possibly find someone who liked the same things. It is truly reassuring to know that people with a kink really exist – that they aren't magical unicorns that only exist in our imagination.

It might take a while to find a community, but whether it's online or offline, I can assure you that you are not alone. Who knows. Someone you see every day might have the same preferences!

3. It doesn't matter how 'weird' it is

When I started exploring my desires in the area of kink, I worried about how 'weird' I was. This was one of my biggest hurdles. I hear this often from people who struggle to accept their kink. Because there is so much stigma attached to any form of sex that isn't 'standard', it is easy to feel that what you like is too peculiar or strange.

When I discussed this with a friend, he really put things into perspective by saying, "What does it matter?" I used to spend a lot of time defending my sexuality by saying it "wasn't that weird." I worried about whether I was too "odd." But when I started connecting with other people with a kinky side, I realized it wasn't worth worrying about – and that I was actually in good company.

Bob's Burgers is actually one of my favorite TV shows (and, according to many, quite feminist!). And Tina Belcher, a hugely beloved character in the series, is especially fond of erotic encounters with zombies. She knows it's a bit weird – and she is sometimes a bit insecure about it – but as the series progresses, she fully takes her desires into her own hands. Seeing a fictional character who so unashamedly embraces her kinky side – and is simultaneously so universally loved in pop culture – is a great reminder that it ultimately isn't about how "weird" it is.

It’s about whether it makes us happy.

Although Tina is still a teenager, we can certainly learn a thing or two from her – and she gives me hope that we can all embrace our kinks and become the healthy and happy adults we deserve to be.

4. It is okay to ask for what you want

It’s one thing to know in theory that there is nothing wrong with you, that you aren't alone, and that it’s okay to be weird. But it is something else entirely to muster the courage to share your desires with someone else – and to ask for what you want.

I still struggle with this!

Sometimes I am afraid that talking openly about my kink will scare off a potential partner, or that I will be judged by them. Because of that, I hesitate to talk about what I’m really looking for.

But let me remind you: it is okay to ask!

As long as it is an invitation and not an expectation, there is nothing wrong with talking about what you love. If someone reacts negatively or in an unkind way, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or your fetish – it just means that this person might not like the same things you do. Fortunately, we at Everyday Feminism have some great resources for talking about sex openly and constructively. And believe me, it gets easier the more you practice it.

5. You don't have to be 'out of the closet'

I have noticed that there is sometimes an expectation that everyone with a fetish is loud and proud about what they like. They are present at every play party, on every forum, and affiliated with every community. But the reality is a bit more complex.

For some people, this is not possible or simply not what they want. Sometimes, kink can look a little different: it’s a solitary activity for when no one is home, or the Tumblr pages you occasionally peek at secretly, or the fantasies that are just for you and your loved one.

And guess what? There is nothing wrong with that! You are not less kinky because you choose to experience it in a less visible way. When I didn't speak as openly about kink, I lived with a roommate who made a point of saying that she was "the kinkiest person in the house," and thereby made the assumption that because the rest of us weren't "out of the closet," we weren't as kinky as she was.

It is great to be proud of what you love and not feel ashamed of it. But kink is not a competition. And it is actually quite harmful to assume that someone's kink depends on how openly they share it.

Especially because kink is so stigmatized, we don't all dare to say openly what we like, and we may find it difficult to come to terms with it.

You decide for yourself what kink means to you. And if you don't want to or can't be open about your kink, that’s no problem – and no one should tell you otherwise!

6. You deserve acceptance and respect

Whatever your preference is, no one should make you feel like you are worth less because of your preference. No one should mock, belittle, or judge you (unless you, like me, enjoy that!). Safe, consensual, openly discussed, and clearly communicated. That is what counts. Because as long as everyone is in agreement, with clear boundaries and safe rules of play, that is by far the most important thing – not how taboo or unusual it seems.

Too often, jokes are made about kink at the expense of real people – people who are struggling with self-acceptance, who feel ashamed or uncomfortable because of a society that stigmatizes a perfectly healthy part of the human experience. It is alarming, to say the least, that we have to be told that kink doesn't make us bad, doesn't make us broken, or make us less worthy and deserving of respect. This is the society we live in, and the stigma the kink community is fighting against.

But I still believe we can rewrite the stories around kink into positive and affirming ones. And I hope this article can be a start for someone – someone who might feel ashamed and scared like I did – to fight that stigma."